I am without my friend...

I didn’t think this blog would be about sadness or grief, but I guess, as Nilsson sang, that’s just the way the story goes.

I am without my friend, she passed away a few days ago, and today there was what would have been her funeral. It couldn’t be and perhaps that’s rather wonderful. She was not a funeral type of a gal. Instead we stood on the road outside her house, socially distancing from each other, waving gently, smiling tightly.

Her husband and children came and stopped and talked, bravely and beautifully, thanking people for being there and allowing us time to share our memories and funny stories. No hugs, for either the family or for friends.

But perhaps more words spoken, normally submerged in the intensity of a hug, more empathetic looks and smiles, more eye contact, as people silently reached out to each other.

There is a theatrical tradition of applauding theatre folk at the end of a funeral, applauding their final exit as it were. This has now become a beautiful way in this strangest of times, for all funerals, a way for the mourners to share our feelings, a round of applause, for the loved one’s final exit.

Where normally we gather and sing or pray or laugh together, now we applaud, the one lost and the family. Our one way of coming together to express so much.

Marie Forleo On Grief and Loss

I’m great fan of Marie Forleo, I love her energy and how she connects with a lightness even if dealing with more serious issues. Here’s a link to a chat  with Marianne Williamson.  It’s rather remarkable for how much it covers.  And there’s nothing better than a couple of great women sharing their knowledge.

The Utility of Laughter in Times of Grief

Here is a wonderful article from whatsyourgrief.com

Among the kinds of coping you expect to see from a griever, the reaction that seems to surprise people the most is humor. At a time when one expects to feel only extreme sadness and somber reverence they find themselves laughing nervously or making a joke. There’s a dissonance within the person and they wonder, ‘Why am I laughing at a time like this?’’

It’s common for people to use laughter in times of grief.  Humor is both a defense mechanism in times of crisis and a tool for coping long after the event.  After bracing yourself for sadness and seriousness in light of a traumatic loss, it may be surprising to find humor instead; but I assure you this type of reaction is normal.

Remember, healing requires a dynamic approach and just because someone relies on laughter at times doesn’t mean they don’t also spend a good amount of time with other emotions. There’s time to cry, time to be spent in serious reflection, and time to laugh – all are healing.

Humor and Laughter as a Defense Mechanism

Humor is actually considered a ‘mature defense mechanism’ alongside defenses like patience, humility, mindfulness, tolerance, and forgiveness. Mature defense mechanisms are thought to enhance feelings of control and pleasure and they are relatively effective at helping people deal with conflicting emotions and thoughts.  If you’re still having a hard time imagining what place humor has in moments of crisis then I’ll elaborate.

Nervous Laughter

If you’re a nervous laugher like me you probably already know it because you catch yourself laughing at the worst times and shamefully wonder if maybe you’re a distant relative of the Joker.  For many, nervous laughter is their instinctual response to a situation that seems stressful or painful. For non-nervous laughers this can seem like absurdly maniacal behavior, but there’s actually a pretty reasonable explanation.

Neuroscientist V.S. Rakmachandran suggests in his book A Brief Tour of Human Consciousness that the reason why we laugh in these situations is to put the circumstances into perspective and make them seem less threatening.  We do this both for ourselves and for those around us and such behavior serves a purpose whether the circumstances are dire or not.

When things are not dire:

For example, when my daughter falls off her bike and skins her knee I will often unintentionally approach her with a laugh saying ‘It’s okay.’  I know that her knee will stop hurting in a matter of minutes so the laughter is meant to signal to her, ‘This seems painful, but it will be okay.’  

When things are dire:

In another less real example, if my daughter and I were camping and a giant brown bear approached us the same ‘it’s okay‘ said with a laugh might be meant to reassure and calm all involved by signaling ‘Okay, this looks bad, but we can handle it if we stay calm.’ 

Gallows Humor

Gallows humor is humor used to lighten difficult, painful, and scary situations.  This is anything hinting at humor like jokes, satire, and silliness, meant to ease stress and make it seem more managable.  Gallows humor might be employed by individuals facing a threatening event, groups of people taking on a dangerous task, groups of oppressed people, or individuals exposed to the trauma of others on a regular basis through their work.

Gallows humor may serve several different functions.  Similar to nervous laughter, humor in the face of difficult circumstances may be used to make the challenge seem smaller and more surmountable. Not only is this type of humor good for the individual morale, but it’s good for morale of larger groups as well as it makes the enemy or the challenge seem less intimidating, eases tension, makes suffering in the moment seem far more tolerable, and strengthens social bonds.

As useful as gallows humor is, it can also be pretty jarring for those not in on the joke.  For those who find the situation no laughing matter, often those closest to the crisis, jokes made in the heat of the moment can be off-putting and offensive.  Those seeking to support a griever, or even those grieving alongside another griever, might want to be mindful of this reality.

The Healing Power of Humor and Laughter

Laughter can heal in a big way…no joke.  There’s even such a thing as the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor which I’ll let you research on your own in the interest of time.  Laughter can lower cortisol levels and increase the production of dopamine, endorphins,  T-cells and immune proteins which may contribute to the following:

Physical Impact:

• Eases physical pain
• Strengthens immune function
• Decreases stress
• Increases relaxation
• Elevates mood and feelings of well being
• Decreases feelings of depression and anxiety

Emotional Impact:

• Puts things in perspective
• Makes challenges seem more surmountable
• Increases problem solving.
• Allows one to take themselves less seriously
• Triggers creativity
• Engenders a sense of control or mastery over circumstances that intially seemed distressing, threatening and all consuming.

Social Impact:

• Increases bonding among family and friends
• Enhances teamwork
• Helps diffuse conflict
• Boosts morale

I often lament what a cruel reality it is that the most enjoyable things in life – like ice cream sundaes and Doritos -have negative health consequences if you’re not careful; but here’s one thing that is 100% enjoyable and good for you.  I swear, music and laughter we’re the two most wonderful gifts bestowed upon mankind.

Too Soon? When you don’t feel like laughing

Grief has the ability to suck all joy out of life and make everything seem grey.  It may be a long time before you find anything to smile about (bonus: fewer laugh lines), but I promise it will come eventually.  The greatest victory is when you realize you’ve made it past the place where memories of your loved one brought mostly sadness, to a place where you can laugh and smile remembering the crazy, loving, warm, fun, generous, weird, stubborn things they used to do.

Remember, it doesn’t take happiness to laugh; if this post has taught you anything, let it be that.  Grab ahold of glimpses of joy and humor when they flicker across your sky and for one moment refuse to let sadness and despair have control.

If you want more humor and laughter in your life try the following:

• Rent a funny movie
• Check out a local comedy club
• Watch stand-up from your favorite comedian online
• Watch your favorite old sitcom on Netflix
• Watch funny YouTube videos
• Get a recommendation for a funny book
• Ask a humorous friend to meet you for lunch

Here are a few other recommendations:

1.  Subscribe to receive posts straight to your inbox

2.  Check out the What’s Your Grief Podcast in iTunes

3.  Check out WYG’s print grief resources in our estore

Russell Brand On Grief